Daily Fiber

You might disagree with the title, seeing as I haven’t written a post since November 2006.  But life has been interesting lately and I might still have a few things to say.

I might as well start with the big stuff. 

We started the adoption process with agency #1 in January 2003.  Much waiting and drama ensued.  Left agency #1 in September 2005 for the gold standard agency we should have chosen in the first place.  Much waiting and minimal drama.   We started looking at networking with other agencies, seeing as the number of placements through agency #2 was diminishing and the number of waiting families was growing.  Our agency does the genuine work of helping expectant women measure all of their options and finding the support necessary to enable them to parent their children if they choose to do so.  This results in a minority of women served by the agency making adoption plans for their children.  We were in one near-match a year ago through the agency.  It could have been the ideal open adoption we had dreamed of.  She chose to parent and we are very happy for her and her son. 

We, rather, I, started to explore networking with other agencies and even (gasp) facilitators last winter in an effort to increase the possibility of finding the right situation for us.  For several months this led to multiple possibilities, some ethical aggravations, but no matches.  We engaged in more intentional exploration of the waiting children program and decided to take the required two-month series of classes as our own discernment process.  Due to vacation plans and other commitments, we were not able to start the class until July.  When we entered the class, we wanted what everyone else is looking for: a healthy single child, under age six, with no issues stemming from physical or emotional abuse.  Wow.  What a difference two months can make.  Both my partner and I went into the classes thinking that adopting an older child was the last option on our lists, but we were taken by the panel of teens talking about their recent adoption experiences and/or their desire to be in a family.  There is a program in MN called Operation Homecoming that is doing incredible work with teens whose parent’s rights have been terminated.  These kids are given the choice if they would like to pursue adoption by a family.  If they decide that adoption is not right for them, they take the path of intensive lifeskills training to prepare for independence.  The kids that decide to pursue adoption begin to work out what kind of parents/family might be a good situation for them.  This seems to lead to more realistic expectations, with both the adopter(s) and the adoptee choosing one another.  We finished the classes, but we aren’t ready to send in our registration and fully enter the program.  We do know that we might be a great potential adoptive family for a teen.

It was during one of the waiting children classes that I received a call from an adoption facilitator.  (I generally use my cell phone for work only and didn’t think to turn it off during class)   An expectant woman had seen our profile, chosen us, and we needed to have a conversation with her right away.  I pulled my partner out of class, we went into a conference room, and talked with her.  She was thrilled with lesbian moms, pretty well grounded, and due in two weeks.  We asked to think about this overnight and call the next day.  We left class early, making quite a commotion since we had to explain the situation, and went home to read through the dozen or so email attachments that had been sent by the facilitator and adoption attorney.  We didn’t like some of what we read, so we called the attorney that night.  We didn’t like the answers we received (certainly my partner, an attorney, didn’t like the attorney’s vague responses to her detailed questions).  Then we started searching for more information about this facilitator and attorney and didn’t like what we found.  We talked for hours as the initial excitement faded, slept on it, and by morning we were leaning away from the situation.  I called our social worker to discuss the situation and she supported everything that we thought and had done.  That night we responded that we could not continue the match.  The entire situation was handled in a rush, with attempts to form emotional attachments and brush over significant ethical deficits.  I wanted to say yes, I wanted this baby, but I didn’t want this adoption.  If only this expectant woman wasn’t working with/producing profit for this attorney and facilitator.

Long before we started the waiting children classes we started taking baby steps (no pun intended) toward a biological child.  At my last physical my doctor gave the green light to pursue a pregnancy, with a lot of support and a great OB/GYN referral.  Then my mother, the evangelical Christian, asks why I don’t just get pregnant already.  We decide to try “a little”.  Then we start the surreal process: choosing a donor, charting temps, ovulation predictor kits, prenatal vitamins, reading lesbian pregnancy books.  I have the most amazing clinic.  Half of the staff are lesbians.  I love them.   We did one IUI in August.  Negative.  We did two IUIs in September–one on my birthday.  Waiting at least another week before testing.

So that is it.  Sort of.  I don’t want to give up on adoption.  It was our first choice as our entree into parenthood.  Several years ago I thought that it was the ethical choice, but now I’m not sure.  To be very honest, we are pursuing both adoption and pregnancy simultaneously.  This can be a slippery slope, certainly during the post-IUI, pre-testing period.  After defending our decision for years, we also aren’t telling many people that we are “trying”, I guess just one very close friend and now anyone who might happen by to read this.

What follows is the only mention of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie that will ever appear here.

 So I was painting the trim on the second story windows on my birthday this week (pause) and my mind began to wander.  You may have heard that Brad Pitt has announced that he and Angelina Jolie will not be entering into legally recognized marriage until the institution is opened to all couples.  I can appreciate the intention behind his words, and know that such a statement by a celebrity does have the potential to influence public opinion. 

But here are my painting thoughts: Angelina Jolie adopted two children internationally who were recently adopted by Brad Pitt.  The couple has made known their plans to expand their family further by international adoption.  International adoption is not open to same-sex couples unless the members of the couple are willing to lie about their relationship to one another.  In order to adopt internationally, one member of the couple must portray themself as a single (in some situations, heterosexual) person.  Yes, there are countries other than the U.S. that allow adoption by same-sex couples, but these are not the countries that have established international adoption programs with agencies in the U.S.  For the sake of this argument I will say that international adoption is closed to same-sex couples.  Is there some disconnect when Brad Pitt states that he and Angelina will not be getting married until it is open to all couples, yet they both openly state their plans to continue adopting internationally–an option that is not open to all couples?

I know that many families with two moms and two dads have been formed by international adoption and I don’t want to stand in judgement of the choices made by those parents.  Sure, I don’t entirely agree with the policies that have been put in place, but we also need to keep in mind that this is not civil disobedience.  These parents can be setting themselves up for some difficult questions from their children in the years to come, questions about always telling the truth, being proud of who you are, and about people and nations with more or less privilege.  While the governmental policies of countries involved in international adoption may not make sense to me personally, I can’t help but feel my own social location as an imperialist American.  Children waiting for adoption, for the most part, will find homes and families, whether they are parented by a mom and a dad, a mom, a dad, or two moms or two dads.  It is the right of each country to decide the family structure for each child released to international adoption, they are their children.